Note: I wrote this in the Fall of 2005, but never “published” it. I just found it and I think it’s pretty interesting, so I’m posting it here.
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Foreknowledge of what comes after is so often desperately absent from what comes before. One can always argue that we learn from our mistakes, but who can truly predict the future? Would it be terribly rude of me to ask, “So how do you handle a break-up?” on the first date? “How do you react when your heart is broken and your pride is downtrodden? Which of the following do you prefer as an tool of revenge? A. The telephone B. E-mail C. Physical omnipresence D. Emotional manipulation E. Financial manipulation F. Property damage G. Violence or H. All of the above ?” It’s not that I don’t adore the first baby-steps of a relationship, the fluttery stomach, the nervous conversations, the first hesitant, yet endearing kiss. It’s not that I don’t appreciate the middle parts when the nervousness has been replaced with a more easy-going camaraderie. It’s not that I’m unwilling to commit, nor that I believe every relationship is doomed to failure. It’s merely that in the case where things don’t work out, I’d like to live to tell about it with all my teeth, car tires and mental acuity intact.
I’ve been through a number of relationship failures and what I don’t understand is how, when we can’t get along well enough to be in a satisfying relationship, we’re expected to part ways and divvy up possessions with civility and sheathed claws? Even in the rare case where the still-together couple isn’t regularly fighting, but is merely bored and disinterested, there’s still a feeling of rejection by the party who receives the break-up notification and of course wounded pride. Not only that, but we, the recently single, become like wounded animals to be pitied by the proper citizens (the “coupled-up”), who murmur condolences like “Don’t worry, you’ll find someone else”, confirming that to be single is to be a pariah. So the person who gets dumped is dealt a hefty blow to the self-esteem, a social status downgrade, the loss of comfort/history and, assuming some affection or even love was buried alive beneath the ailing relationship dynamics, plain old heartbreak. And yet, there’s no due process for instituting a breakup, no police protection. Sure, if you’re married, you can mire yourself in legal proceedings, but that’s not preventing the heavy picture frames flying through the air or helping to pick the glass splinters out of your feet. Yes, we can have family and friends to help us through it, when they can spare time from their own busy lives, but imagine how different things would be if you could call a 1-800 number, tell them you need to break up and they say they’ll send a peace officer right over.
I’ve been dumped too and I know it’s hard to deal with, but, really, what can you do? It’s out of your control by then. OK, so someone doesn’t want to be in a relationship with you anymore. So it’s raining outside today. It sucks, but life goes on. The thing that made me mad when I got dumped was not so much that she didn’t want me (though yes, that was unpleasant), but the way she did it. I wasn’t all that surprised as I had seen the warning signs. I wasn’t going to try and change her mind, and I didn’t see any reason to discuss it at length. She wouldn’t let me just accept it though, she insisted that I listen while she wound an elaborate self-justification about *why* she was breaking up with me. I was too numb to resist. Basically, it seemed like she was trying to make herself feel better by making it more humane, but all it did was prolong an awful experience. She closed her monologue with the argument that we should be friends and I cringed. Later on, I admit it, I left an angry message on her machine, telling her how I felt, that she had been insincere and just trying to make herself feel better. Mission accomplished. She didn’t try the ” friends” stuff with me after that and we never spoke again.
That, perhaps, is the core of the issue: handling the breakup discussion itself. There’s really no way to make the breaking news any better and sugarcoating it just makes the pill harder to swallow in the end. I think the breakup should be like a surgical strike – a quick flyby of”There’s no more us. Good luck on your own” and never to meet again. Then there’s no awkward transition and aborted friendship, there’s just two separate ships sailing on separate seas. If the ships meet in another journey at a later time, then they should be in a position to be civil.
I’ve initiated a number of breakups and I know what my problem is. I try to be nice. It’s not that I think the opposing party deserves yelling, slashed tires or general meanness (I sure know I didn’t), but it’s simply foolish to try to empathize with someone whose heart and/or pride you are breaking. Best intentions aside, you are throwing them out of your life and you need to let go immediately. You’ve got to look out for numero uno or there will be hell to pay (there may be anyway, but if you’re prepared, you may be able to end the year still looking your age). As anyone who has an ounce of compassion and has had to initiate a breakup will know, doing so is extremely difficult. Despite a conviction that the relationship needs to end, it’s not easy to put someone through so much pain and suffering (nor to set aside such a significant part of your life, nor to manage the logistics, especially if you live together). I think an advertiser said it best, “Just break it.”
