Contradictions used to bother me, but I’ve always lived (and thrived) within them, so over time I came to accept them as a part of life. I’m not especially spiritual (eschewing concepts of soul, afterlife and religion), but at the same time I feel connected to more than just the visual world. At times, I flitter about the edges of enlightenment, or I flatter myself that I do.
One of the concepts I believe in, while also choosing to disbelieve, is that all is one. Everything is connected and everything is God. Yet some Eastern religions (especially Hinduism, Buddhism and other relatives) take this concept as a goal – enlightenment means becoming one with everything. That strikes me as somewhat nihilistic: becoming everything in a grand sense would require eradicating the self. And I think being individuals is what keeps the game of life so interesting. So I avoid getting too connected as I do like my idiosyncrasies.
Another problematic concept for me is destiny. From a scientific standpoint, it’s hard for me to imagine that everything is not predetermined (from the speed of the wind, the moment of birth, the location, the genetics, the parents, people, plants, things encountered and the order in which things occur – every circumstance together will determine every thought and choice). However, I am enamored with the concept of free will – it’s so lovely to imagine that I am choosing which words to use, the clothes I wear and I wrap myself in this fantasy for better living.
Another issue is the struggle I have with Christianity. I was raised Roman Catholic and it was not at all well suited to me. I think the biggest difficulty was the ceremonial redundancy (i.e., mass) which just smothered my lively young mind with miles of ritualistic boredom. But my flight from it was precipitated by all the god as “father” stuff – too much was tinged with misogyny (how could a monotheistic omnipotent god be gendered? and no women priests allowed?). I did, however, hear and read all the gospels and it was no small influence, despite my latent anti-Christian sentiments. So it makes me pretty mad when I realize that I’m a better Christian than some of the so-called Christian hate-mongers that form some kind of vocal minority in this country. Anyone preaching hate of any sort and claims to be Christian hasn’t been paying attention to the teachings of the religion’s founder (who befriended prostitutes and tax-collectors and other untouchables). The only time that guy in the stories got really mad at people was with all the money-changers in the temples, making profits off religion (hmm, like the televangelists?). So it is always a refreshing surprise when I run across a true Christian that is promoting positivity and peace (like my hip-hop teacher); it’s good that it makes me reevaluate my prejudice (and realize that not everyone is corrupt).
I don’t anticipate joining any temple or church, but I’m sure I’ll continue to have moments of touching awe (the sky just before a thunderstorm, a score of gently swaying lily pads, a flock of birds in perfect synch). And I’m sure I’ll keep living a rich fantasy life (imagination provides the perfect sinuously sparkling wings for a reptilian spirit to soar).
