In the end, it all comes down to the bitter bean. All I remember of my childhood is a swirl of disappointments. I know there must’ve been wonder and exploration, but my earliest non-memory is tripping over the carseat in the concrete garage and my teeth slicing through my bottom lip – you can still see the scar (see?). Mostly, I remember resenting the adults who held me back (most all of them) and hiding out (in video games, fantasy novels, bad poetry). My favorite thing was Halloween, where I got to be the monster (roar!).
I never thought my parents to be similar; in fact, I only remember them in isolation – certain interactions with my Dad (watching movies together, fights about church) and certain interactions with my mom (crying and comforting, being chased around yelled at), not really anything as a couple, though of course we did many family activities together. Perhaps the oddest, most frustrating thing was the completeness of their restriction – my mom was more of the disciplinarian (very strict in many ways, no MTV, etc.), but in the few ways she wasn’t strict (church, for example), my dad was – very. On the flip side, they were each very tolerant in nearly every way that the other was strict.
My parents weren’t responsible for my miserablist childhood, unless maybe you want to blame them for passing on their genes & a regimented society hostile to my complexities. But their complementary restrictiveness added to the considerable frustrations of an unusually adventurous, precocious and sensitive child.
There are many ways in which my parents are great people and in which they were good parents (reading, karate and other activities were supported, safety ensured, schools battled). As a couple, though, their only major overlap seemed to be in processed bitter beans. My mom loves chocolate so much she calls it “Vitamin C” and she likes coffee ice cream (but not coffee). My dad loves coffee so much that it’s become a daily (sometimes hourly) staple and he likes (but doesn’t love) chocolate. A few years ago, in their late 50s, they commenced separation procedures. I was not surprised by the intent, but by the action after so many years. Cacao & coffee beans, bitterly ground, heated, strained and doused with sugar. Now sold separately.
