Holey Matrimony

With May comes “wedding season,” but even though I’m fortunate enough to be in a successful long-term relationship with a highly compatible partner, I don’t plan to marry.  Why not?

Although I support and am happy for my family and friends who have chosen (or will chose) to get married, for me personally, the institution of marriage is holey [sic].  In brief, traditional marriage seems to:

• Privilege “normal” romantic relationships over all  other kinds of relationships, including close friendships and kinships.
• Be gender-essentialist and (generally) reinforce gender role stereotypes.
• Represent a “unity” of two people which is incompatible with my fierce independence and my current (excellent) relationship.
• Be an out-dated tradition that creeps out a rebel like me (as so many traditions do).

When tradition-focused people worry that legally recognized same-sex marriages will “undermine the sanctity of marriage,” their worry is misplaced – those marriage-seeking same-sex couples want what opposite-couples have the option of; others, like me, reject the institution altogether, modeling new kinds of relationships without that stamp of societal approval.

Let’s talk about privilege.  Many people don’t understand privilege because it’s virtually invisible to those who have it, but highly apparent to those who lack it (especially to those unable to obtain it).  For more explanation on privilege, see White Privilege; Un-packing the Invisible Knapsack. Marriage is similar to white privilege, in that it’s so highly prevalent throughout our society (and in many other cultures). Perhaps the most obvious privileging of marriage can be seen in various biographical forms (e.g., health insurance) where the relationship options are only “married” or “single” as if there were no meaningful relationship besides marriage. Marriage also confers special titles upon the participants, both in their roles (husband or wife) and in name (e.g., “Mr. & Mrs. Smith”) as if they’ve earned special privileges, which in a way they have.

Married and even “engaged” people are given deference throughout their life experiences, whether they are hotel guests, attending a special function or even just shopping. I hear married people frequently mention their “husband” or “wife” (or “fiancee”) with a note of exaltation and there is almost always a corresponding & deferential response.  Married couples also have the advantage of “family” rates for auto-insurance and other special deals.  Most married people wear a symbolic badge such that others will recognize their married (elevated) status without their having to vocalize it.

Aside from the numerous cultural advantages, there are extensive legal benefits to being married ranging from tax benefits, special visitation in hospitals or jails, “family” only housing, health insurance coverage, inheritance and social security benefits.  These all seem like great benefits to me, but doesn’t it seem a little unfair that they are exclusive to married couples?  Wouldn’t it be better if everyone could designate a special someone (sibling, friend or romantic partner) who can visit them in the hospital during restricted hours or to be covered by their health insurance, even if they happen to be single or otherwise unmarried?  Why should unmarried people be excluded from this kind of emotional / healthcare support?

Perhaps most striking in this time of governmental budget crises, are the tax benefits (“loopholes”) for married couples (allowing them to pay lower tax on earned income when one partner is low or no income, to give each other unlimited tax-free gifts, just to name a few).  These tax benefits to one class of people shifts more of the tax burden to other classes (i.e., the unmarried) as they pay more dearly for the same government.

For better or worse (mostly worse), traditional marriage has been, er, traditionally gender-essentialist.  Did you know that husbands used to literally “own” their wives (who were considered property)?  Obviously, culture has progressed much since then, but there are many gender-essentialist traditions which remain popular, not least of which are the roles/titles of husband/Mister and wife/Missus and the waning but still popular name conversion, where the woman takes the last name of the man (and never the reverse). Although most married couples are dual-income, in most cases I have observed, it seems wives are expected to be the primary providers of childcare, emotional support, cooking and cleaning, all of which consumes the vast majority of their wifely days, while the husbands enjoy considerably more free time for personal or social entertainment.

As a gender-queer full-throttle feminist, I could never picture myself within traditional marriage.  Even just the different words/titles make me uncomfortable. I don’t consider myself fully “man” or “woman” so I just can’t see myself fitting with that structure, which also seems unbalanced to me. Even in same-sex married couples, there’s still a gender essentialism in that both parties are then “husbands” or “wives” like there’s some fundamental and meaningful difference between what is “husband” and what is “wife”.

Here’s an excellent article which covers similar ground and makes many points I agree with:
Same Sex Marriage as Civil Right, Not As Strategy for Change

In addition to the privilege/disenfranchisement and gender essentialism issues described above, at a very personal level, marriage just doesn’t appeal to me.  Since childhood, I’ve been unsettled by the “American Dream” which I felt various entities were trying to shoehorn me into. I pictured this standard American Dream as a terrifying Stepford land of white picket fenced houses “manned” by “good” breadwinner husbands who were happy with subservient “perfect” wives and children, who all went to church and enjoyed “family” films.  As an intensely creative, rebellious, individualistic person, I may have irrationally feared the erasure of my self into some class of “normal,” and what could be more normal than marriage?  It’s what we’re “supposed” to do and that alone makes me not want to.

Other than the unfairly exclusive legal benefits (which I think should be available to all), I can’t really see any good reason to marry and I feel there is more benefit in rejecting than accepting this unnecessary privilege.  Given all my various privileges (nearly  every checkmark on the kyriarchy), I can easily afford to reject this one and therefore feel obligated to be part of the alternative.

Moreover, my specific romantic relationship with Irina is characterized by fierce independence.  We go together and apart, interchangeably; we collaborate and also give each other lots of space to explore our own interests and social relationships. Back when we started dating and I was worried about falling too quickly for her, I used to comfort myself with the thought that I could leave the relationship at any point and be fine.  I know that sounds weird, but it made me feel more secure and better able to love and respect her, knowing that I didn’t “need” her (and that she didn’t “need” me either). I consider us like “employees at will” and the idea of legally entangling ourselves seems counter to the spirit of our “free” relationship.

To clarify, I have no opposition to happy marriages, nor to divorces, singledom, close non-romantic relationships and alternate romantic partnerships. Any kind of relationship between consenting adults is good as long as there is mutual respect and the emotional exchange is positive on balance. At this point in my life, I have my creative projects, really wonderful friends who are like family, some wonderful family and an “almost perfect” partner (the best best), who provides lots of complementary benefit that we’ve chosen (yes, together) not to over-complicate with marriage.