Many people seem to believe sexism is a simple one-way oppression, where entitled men oppress women individually; however, sexism is broadly cultural, not merely individual, so the true picture is more complex.
For the record, I fully acknowledge that entitled men exist and regularly oppress women on an individual basis, both consciously and unconsciously. That said, men and women are all victims of sexism and contributors to the culture of male dominance and female subordination. (For the purposes of this post, when I say “men,” “male,” “women,” or “female” I mean “most” cis-men or cis-women – it’s a generalization.)
A brief study of men’s interactions when women aren’t present (easiest to observe by a man, but also pretty accurate in most movies and entertainment) should make obvious men’s contribution to toxic masculinity / sexism: using feminizing words as pejoratives and entreaties to risky (“manly”) behavior, “locker room talk” objectifying women and extolling tales of sexual conquest (be they consensual, non-consensual or fictional), and “dick talk” (using bigness of dick or balls as praise and smallness or lack-of as insult).
Some women contribute to toxic masculinity in a few of the same ways; I’ve heard women use feminizing words as pejoratives and masculinizing words as praise (& both as entreaties). One interesting point is that I’ve heard otherwise very progressive and feminist women (& feminist men) use penis smallness as what they appear to consider a grave insult. For example, an overly entitled man who drives a fancy car and is unusually selfish driver (or president) might be said to have a “small penis.” This is bizarre to hear from a self-styled progressive as it’s just a roundabout way of buying into sexism (& gender essentialism) by implying that this particular man is “not a real man.”
In terms of victimization, women are clearly the primary targets of sexist oppression, treated as inferior in myriad ways, trusted with child-rearing, self-purity and little else. “Women have no place in science,” my sister was told by the [male] director in one job interview for a physicist position – in Boston, of all places (and, yes, in the 21st century – it was about 2012, I believe). Women’s opinions and contributions are often steamrolled, overlooked or “stolen” (a man takes credit for) in the workplace and elsewhere. The sexual objectification of women (including ogling, physical assault, verbal harassment and even the more innocuous near-constant compliments/comments on their appearance) are off the hook. These and other disadvantages are all fairly obvious to women (though not necessarily to men).
What is less obvious, are the ways that women contribute to this anti-woman culture. Much of it, as with men’s behavior, is unconscious, as these traits are trained and reinforced by our sexist culture.
Women are deferential (to men) which enables men’s bad behavior. I know there are good reasons to be deferential or obfuscate in response to men asking for dates (e.g., fear of reprisal or assault), but I’m really talking about everything else – like in terms of work projects or even conversation/planning among friends. Some women seem married to the idea that you always “put others first” because to assert your own ideas, thoughts, needs is somehow “selfish.” That is a huge disservice to everyone involved as it removes her effective contribution and reinforces the idea of male dominance / female subservience.
Princess complex: some women (& girls) insist on being treated as a “princess” by their family and dating partners. Since they’re not actual royalty and human beings are not selfless, such treatment usually comes with a hefty price tag: the “princess” is expected to be consistently physically superior (always on point with clothes, makeup, etc.), “receptive” to near-constant attention and “traditional” (feminine, subordinate in most ways). After all, traditionally (modern twists on fairy tales aside), the “prince” will “rescue” the princess and then rule a kingdom with her by his side (but always as his subsidiary).
Parental responsibility: personally, I find this odd, but it seems that most couples do not define their respective child-rearing responsibilities before having children and then, surprise! (me totally not surprised), the man thinks he can maintain his former lifestyle with minimal responsibility and the woman gets stuck with 80%+ of their child-rearing, even if both are working full-time. This teaches their children about who “should” do the bulk of parenting, so they, in turn, have their expectations set when they reach adulthood. Although it shouldn’t be the woman’s duty to “teach” her man, it is a problem that could be mitigated if the woman were less deferential early on and broached the subject before pregnancy (along with being willing to end the relationship or forego children if the man’s commitment to future child-rearing is unsatisfactory).
Raising boys vs. girls: pushing children to conform to gender roles (against their own inclinations) is a bit monstrous (if common) and certainly a problem stemming from both members of a heterosexual partnership (though perhaps more so from the father). However, I’ve also noticed that a lot of multi-child mothers exhibit a huge disparity in how they treat their boys and girls, in terms of housework and affection/mothering (usually favoring the boys). For example, I had a friend who would do her 20-something son’s laundry (who didn’t live with her, but brought his dirty laundry over because his girlfriend didn’t want to do it) and when I asked about her 16-yr-old daughter, she told me the daughter does all her own laundry. She didn’t even see a problem with this. Teaching your sons to expect “mothering” into adulthood while simultaneously teaching daughters to perform “service” from a young age definitely contributes to the sexism in the culture.
Oppressing mothers from another species: even some of the most stalwart feminists buy into the wholesale objectification of other animal species purely for their reproductive capabilities (especially in the egg and milk industries). It’s strange to think that human women are objectified for their human reproductive capabilities (e.g., sexuality & child-rearing) but not realize the connection to the similar objectification of female animals of other species (cow/goat/chicken, etc.). Maybe if our culture could stop exploiting the reproductive faculties of female animals, it would be easier to respect the reproductive autonomy of human women?
All that said, women are certainly not the “cause” of sexism; I just wanted to point out some of the ways they contribute or could problem-solve, absent a significant will for men to change the culture. I wish that huge numbers of men would awake to the problems in their behavior and seek internal and cultural changes, but, strategy-wise, I don’t think women need to wait – they can cease accepting & teaching their subservient role now.
I am extremely heartened by the “silence-breakers” speaking out about their sexual harassment experiences in the media this year. It seems to have real momentum and is hammering away at the male objectification side of the problem. I just hope that momentum goes all the way to significant cultural change, then snowballs and takes on the non-sexual side of the problems as well. 🙂
