I recently saw an interesting episode of The Boondocks called “Guess ho’s coming to dinner,” where Huey and Riley (the main characters and ostensible children) have a conversation about whether women are “hos” or not. Riley makes a remark about women being hos and Huey counters that not all women are hos. Riley (who often plays devil’s advocate on the show) argues that if you [men] go out with women and you have to pay them, then they are hos. Huey argues that you’re not paying them, you’re just paying for dinner and stuff. Riley says that regardless, if you have to pay [and they don’t], then they’re hos. I wouldn’t say that paying for dating is strictly equivalent to prostitution, but underneath the jokes, I have to admit there is a good point there. If men are really expected to pay for all the dating costs in casual romantic relationships, then the women they date aren’t significantly different from escorts (except maybe a bit cheaper) and not all that far from the proverbial hos that Riley speaks of.
Of course not all men and women are like that, but it is something I’ve struggled with in the dating scene, the expectation that I, the ostensible “man,” pay for everything. It’s insulting to me to think that my company is so worthless that I’d need to pay for someone else to hang around me. It’s one thing when you’re in a serious relationship and one partner is making more money and therefore bears the burden of most of the costs, but for some virtual stranger to expect you to pay for them on a date is extremely sexist and unfair, I think.
At one point, I looked up feminist dating tips online to see what other people’s ideas about dating are and the sites I saw said that it is proper etiquette for the person who initiates the date to pay (at least in the beginning), whether it be the man or the woman. In my limited dating experience, I’ve tried to keep it more or less even (either going dutch or switching off paying). I was a little embarassed on learning this, because I usually make a point not to pay for more than my share on the first date, because I want to make sure they don’t get the impression that I will be paying for all the dates, because I surely won’t be (I’ve got to have money for my shoes, sweetie!), but maybe in the future, in the rare instance that I initiate a date (I get asked out more than I do the asking), I can make an exception and leave it up to a later date for discussion. On a side note, when I was dating last year, I once managed to forget my wallet on both the first and second dates. It was highly embarrassing, but luckily she was sweet enough to spot me for my coffee (and we’re still friends).
OK, categorically, women are definitely not “hos,” but the ones who think things like, “Make sure he pays for everything, or else he’s not a gentleman” certainly are suspect. I, needless to say, am certainly not a gentleman.
I was only recently made aware of the “If you ask, you pay” first date etiquette rule as well. I am completely confident that I never breeched this unknown dating law since I certainly never make the first move. However, I will say that I too have always found it quite insulting that us women would expect to be paid for. Or at least, that our companions would expect that we expect to be paid for. I always insist on paying my share, at least until I have well established my independence and expectations of equality. When I was in the situation recently with the aforementioned “first date” rule, I was quite uncomfortable allowing her to pay for dinner and only acquiesced when she assured me that she’d let me pay for her on the next date. Seriously though, if I was out with someone who was anticipating that I’d pay for her, I would honestly reconsider any plans for a second date. Well, it is a little different with the girl-girl dynamic. But I do feel that it speaks a lot about how that person views herself and her role in a partnership. As an aside, if I am out with a male companion and the waitstaff puts the check in front of me, s/he always gets a nice fat tip.
Agreed: it speaks volumes about a person as to what they’re expecting on the first date. Unfortunately for them, I just don’t care about meeting expectations (especially not “man” expectations).